Math Is Not Our Friend - Redux

OK, I've already pointed out previously that Mike Tirico has difficulty with simple math. Well, Mike was back at it yesterday during the Monday Night Football game between Green Bay and Chicago at Soldier Field.

Right before halftime Mike made a comment that the Packers had outscored the Bears 60-6 so far this year. Now, the score at this point is 14-3, obviously in favor of the Packers. Green Bay defeated the Bears in Green Bay on November 16th. The score of that game was 37-3.

Now, let's go back to simple addition we learned in elementary school, shall we?

Do you think that 37 plus 14 equals 60? Most third graders should be able to tell you that 37 plus 14 equals 51!

So, Mike Tirico is not smarter than a third grader, let alone a fifth grader.

I think we need to send Mike back to remedial math so he can work on his addition and subtraction skills. I think we also need to send Tony Kornheiser to the moon. Now that would be a nice Christmas present

That's the Way the Ball Bounces

I was really dreading this morning after the Indianapolis Colts lost to the Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks last night on Monday Night Football. I was not in the mood to deal with Bob Kravitz and the local sports talk media on the demise of the Colts. It was a frustrating game to watch and gives Tennessee a near insurmountable 4-game lead with 9 games to play.

The most frustrating part to me is the way the ball has bounced for Indy this year. Last night was a microcosm of how things just are not going the Colts' way. In the second quarter alone:

• Peyton Manning threw an unwise pass to Reggie Wayne that was tipped. The ball deflects directly to Chris Hope for the interception. A few feet in either direction and it probably drops harmlessly.
• Chris Johnson fumbled the ball and the Colts recovered it. The officials evidently felt that the ground caused the fumble and Tennessee kept the ball. Replays showed that the ball came out before he was tackled. Jeff Fisher wisely ran a quick play before Tony Dungy could call for a replay.
• Immediately after that, Clint Session had a easy interception and could have run it back a ways, but he dropped the pass because he started upfield before he fully had the ball.
• Pierre Garcon stupidly chose not to field a punt around the Colts' 25 and ball bounces all the way back to the Colts' 6-yard line.

Then later in the game:

• Marlin Jackson caused a fumble and the ball rolled harmlessly out of bounds.
• Anthony Gonzalez catches a third-down pass about a yard short of the first down and is immediately tackled. Receivers need to know where that first down marker is and make sure they are past it!
• The Colts screw up two fourth-down plays. On fourth-and-1, the Colts hand off to Dominic Rhodes who if stuffed for a one yard loss. The Colts do not have the O-line that can "power" their way for one yard when they absolutely need it. Then later on a fourth-and-3, Peyton locks on Marvin and former Colt Nick "If you had fucking cut back outside we would have gone to another Super Bowl" Harper breaks up the pass. Gonzo was wide open for the first down this time.

Back in 2006 when the Colts were on the their way to the Super Bowl, it seemed that they caught more of the breaks that year. Offensive linemen recovering fumbles in the end zone, defensive backs catching interceptions, bad passes falling harmlessly to the ground. Granted, the Colts have caught some breaks due to bad play calling and bad decisions by Minnesota and Houston. Otherwise, the Colts could be much worse off than they are. Yet, even at 3-4, we still have a very good shot at a wild card birth.

As I have quoted before, "Better lucky than good," but the Colts have not been good very often let alone lucky. I will not say that the Colts' season is on the brink. Even if they lose versus New England next week, the Colts have shown they CAN play like their former selves and would still have chance to garner a playoff spot in the AFC. The big question is WILL they turn it on play like Super Bowl champions or flat like roadkill?

This Explains Everything

Sometimes, there are just mysteries of life that cannot be explained. Examples: who built Stonehenge, how in the hell did the Electric Slide become popular at wedding receptions, and how did Home Alone become a hit movie?

Another mystery is how a certain sportswriter-turned Monday Night Football broadcaster can suck so badly (actually, he sucks really well). Of course I mean Tony Kornheiser of ESPN's PTI and MNF fame. Kornheiser has reached an almost Zen-like level of suckage on the MNF broadcasts. His performance has inspired millions of young people to either enter broadcasting or wear earmuffs indoors.

Until now, the cause of his suck-proficiency has been unknown. But now we may know why:

Tony, glad you asked; I can't really answer

Later this week, I will get my usual pre-"Monday Night Football" Indianapolis Colts telecast phone call from Tony Kornheiser. It will probably come right in the middle of "Dancing With the Stars'' and ruin any chance I might have of seeing Warren Sapp light up the stage with a killer bossa nova.

Oh, God. It's the Suckage-Convergence-Zone (SCuZ)! Tony Kornheiser will call Bob Kravitz to ask Kravitz's opinion on the Colts. Honestly, this is not an uncommon practice, but it shows just how ill-informed Kornheiser is. He watches sports for a living; he should be able to see enough Colts games to do his own analysis.

Can you imagine Kornheiser and Kravitz together? I can imagine them together--in a bus, going over a cliff.

Anyway, let me save Tony the time and trouble, because here are the questions and here are my answers. Well, unless I'm two Johnnie Walkers into the night; then all bets are off:

What's wrong with your team out there?

You have an hour? First, the injuries. Peyton Manning had two knee procedures during training camp -- although it might have been seven for all we really know -- so No. 18 got off to an uncharacteristically rough start.

How ridiculous. Peyton did not have 7 knee surgeries. He did, however, have both legs amputated. What we see out there playing is really a hologram.

In all seriousness, I find it interesting how upset some members of the Indianapolis media are about not knowing about the second knee surgery. There was no reason for the Colts or Manning to divulge the 2nd surgery, since it happened well before the first game of the season. Since Manning practiced the entire week leading up to the Bears game, the 2nd surgery wasn't relevant.

Kravitz is right about the injuries, which Zinglebert noted the effects of in the comments section of the previous post.

Is it possible this team has tuned out coach Tony Dungy?

I'm glad you asked that question, and I hope you noticed how I used this particular literary device in such a way that I could blame the rhetorical "you" for bringing up such a touchy subject.

Ugh. That would have been clever if Bobby didn't draw attention to it--it may have actually worked. And I get the idea that he's doing this tongue-in-cheek, since he doesn't care if people give him crap about bringing up a touchy subject. But it's Kravitz's idea, so he should just present it and move on.

I think it's possible. I really do. I think today's athletes, like most of today's young people, have the attention span of a fruit fly. Pacers president Larry Bird says NBA players stop hearing a particular coach after about three years. Raiders owner Al Davis once said, in a moment of clarity, that NFL coaches lost their players after 10 years -- and he said that years ago.

Actually, pretty good use of examples, but saying "it's possible" is saying nothing. It's like saying, "it's possible the Colts will win 35-10 Monday night." Of course it's possible. Anything is possible. It's possible all of the Colts players just finished reading Dianetics and have become Scientologists.

What happened to Dungy in Tampa? All of his players professed love and respect for him, but when they needed to win a playoff game to possibly save his job, they got rolled by Philadelphia.

It's true: the Buccaneers (under their Buccan-hat) lost to the Eagles 31-9 in the 2001 NFC Wild Card round. However, the Eagles had won the NFC East and were the #3 seed. Tampa was the final wild card team, making the playoffs with a 9-7 record. Perhaps it wasn't that the Tampa players weren't trying--perhaps they lost because they weren't as good as Philly.

Kravitz seems to think that players can will themselves to victory whenever they want to--that all it takes is desire and love of its coach for a team to win. If that were true, every team would be 16-0 (okay, maybe some teams don't like their coaches very much). It's a little more complicated than that. Yes, sometimes you can see when a team has quit or tuned out its coach. But it's a little simplistic to say that a team doesn't care about its coach because it loses a game that outsiders perceive is necessary to save the coach's job.

There's a reason teams go from players' coaches to authoritarians to players' coaches to authoritarians. After Dungy left Tampa, the Bucs won the Super Bowl under crazy person Jon Gruden. It makes me wonder if associate head coach Jim Caldwell, who is something of a Dungy clone, is really the right guy to take the reins when Dungy leaves, but that's another column for another time.

True. Then why bring it up? None of this is relevant to your point.

Would I save you grief if I asked whether Dungy's long-distance family situation is making some kind of impact?

Again, Tony, brilliant use of a literary device.

Again, great way to ruin its effect by calling attention to it.

Answer: I dunno. But the issue is out there, and before the season, I wrote that if the Colts struggled, we would all wonder whether Dungy's split existence might leave him conflicted. Again, everybody knows Dungy is here and his family is in Tampa. How often does he go home? I'm not sure, and if I asked, I would be told the Colts don't address such questions. But it's fair to wonder, if the players see a coach with one foot in Florida, does it affect their level of commitment and focus?

"...the issue is out there." It is? It's out there because you put it out there! Also, we are not "all wondering." Personally, I don't think it's an issue. Can the team not practice without him? Considering that most, if not all, of the daily work with players is done by the coordinators and position coaches, he's not completely necessary on a daily basis.

Also, Kravitz's earlier point about Caldwell actually hurts his argument here. If Caldwell is a "Dungy clone," then the players shouldn't miss Dungy as much.

I don't buy the argument that the players would either be a) less committed, or b) bothered at all by Dungy's agreement and commitment to his family. I suppose it's possible, but it's also possible that Dungy's agreement could be perceived by the players as making him more committed: "He wants to spend time with his family, but the Colts organization and this team are so important to him that he wants to help us now." Maybe that's not how everyone would react, but it's certainly possible that some of the players feel that way.

Be honest: Is Marvin Harrison finished?

When he struggled the first few games, I said it was too early to tell. When he was great against Baltimore, I said it was too early to tell. I still think it's too early to tell when the entire offense is sputtering.

You can't really disagree here, though I maintain that Harrison looks fine. The offense as a whole has issues, but Marvin is doing his thing. However, one thing I will say is that I think opposing defenses are on to some of the "bread and butter" plays. They seem to be jumping routes (e.g. the Marvin slant) more often.

I will say this, though: I don't see Harrison as a Colt next year, not unless he returns to form the second half of the season. He's scheduled to count for more than $13 million against the salary cap next year, which is a lot of cash for a fading player on a team that's top-heavy on payroll.

Valid point. But will they release him, you think? That seems a bit far-fetched. Then again, in the hard salary cap era, anything is possible.

This is a must-win for them, right?

Yes, absolutely yes.

Technically, no, but I'd hate to see them try to come back from 4 down at this point.

They can't go four games down in the division with nine to go. They're fortunate that nobody besides Tennessee is pulling away in the AFC, so 10 wins might get them a wild card, but as far as the division, they lose Monday and they're done.

Ten wins "might get them a wild card"? As Zinglebert pointed out awhile ago, 10 wins in the AFC usually gets a wild card. If the season ended now, the Colts would be out of the playoffs, but its only due to a head-to-head tiebreaker.

I'll make a prediction now: if the Colts win 10 games, they are definitely in the playoffs.

So, you want to be a guest host one day on "Pardon the Interruption"?

If that ever happens, welcome to the 8th layer of Hell: Fucktards on Parade.

Why Kornheiser Sucks

It's week 4 of the NFL season, yet Tony Kornheiser has somehow gone unscathed on this blog. You know Tony Kornheiser, right? He's the extra guy in the Monday Night Football booth on ESPN, joining Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski.

It's pretty much understood that anyone who pays attention to such things thinks Kornheiser sucks (who would actually pay attention to such things?). In his two-plus seasons of being the third wheel in the MNF booth, Kornheiser has told unfunny and pointless jokes, been confused about the game he was watching, and has not understood how real play-by-play people get and use background information for the game.

Tonight's Kornheiser moment involves the third example. In the first quarter of the Ravens/Steelers game, Kornheiser tried to interject some background info about Steelers rookie running back Rashard Mendenhall by saying, "I think this is right--Mendenhall is the first running back taken in the first round by the Steelers in something like 19 years."

This statement is correct--I knew without having to look it up. Why did I know? Because as he was finishing the sentence, the ESPN on-screen graphic showed the exact same statistic.

Normally, not much of an issue, except the same thing happened last week during the Chargers/Jets game: after Favre threw his first touchdown pass, Kornheiser threw this in: "I don't want to get this wrong, but I think that was Favre's 95th touchdown pass of less than 5 yards, which is an NFL record." Again, just as he was finishing the statement, the on-screen graphic showed the same stat.

What to make of this? It seems pretty obvious to me that Kornheiser is too lazy to either a) do this research himself, like he's supposed to do, or b) write everything down in a usable form to quickly and reliably access on the air. I think Kornheiser is cherry-picking his stats from a producer or spotter; basically, that person does all the prep work and Kornheiser just picks one stat and copies it. The tip-off is Kornheiser's preface each time he uses something: if he had done the research himself and prepared relevant notes, he'd know the stat was a good one. I mean, for something like $1.8 million a year, preparation would be the least the fucktard could do, yes?

More Kornheiser fun from the same game: late in the first half, the Steelers faithful voiced their displeasure over the poor offensive showing by booing (not just a few boos--a full chorus). Kornheiser's observation: "Those are boos you're hearing, folks." Ah, great analysis there.

At least he's consistent. And by consistent, I mean a piece of poo.


P.S. And if I hear Chris Berman fucking quote "Maggie May" one more time on ESPN during NFL highlights, I will kill something.

Will They Ever Learn?

Just sing the fucking song!